It does not matter which business you are in relationships with other people are critical for your career, well being and success. Not getting along with people is a major source of frustration and its a good idea to understand the simple dynamics behind relationships in general and what you can do about it.

The first thing to realize is that whatever relationship patterns you have picked up in your childhood are still in you.  It becomes very obvious when you are tired or under stress, that is when old patterns show up again.

Everybody in this world is looking for happiness and love and your ability to give people what they want is equal to your success and your need to be loved and appreciated is your and everybody else source of suffering.

Everybody wants 3 things

The minds job is to keep you alive and safe, and it is constantly scanning your environment asking three questions

  1. Am I safe?
    Not only physical safety, safety of my position, my possessions, my ideas, can I make mistakes, can I speak up?
  2. Do I have control?
    Can I decide what to do, do I have influence, do they listen?
  3. Do they accept me?
    AM I valued, do they trust me, do they like me?

If one of those questions is not answered you will not feel 100% comfortable, something is out of harmony. Of course everybody’s mind is different and whatever bothers you might not bother the person next to you.

Wanting something comes from a feeling of lack

Let us look at those base feelings from a different angle. Its a feeling of incompleteness that is behind the feelings of fear, sadness and anger.

  • Fear = Lack of safety
  • Anger = Lack of control
  • Sadness = Lack of acceptance

Feelings drive action

Feelings drive action and the feeling of lack makes us take action with the intention to overcome the perceived lack by doing something. In other words we are constantly thriving to achieve a state of balance by doing things. When you look very closely this does not make any sense at all. Feelings are in the dimension of being and action is in the state of doing. You can try different things, move to a different continent, change jobs or companies but you are taking your feelings with you wherever you go.

If you perceive the feeling of being unappreciated no action can ever move you beyond that feeling until you learn how to eliminate the feeling of lack in you. You can never make an unhappy person happy, it works only temporarily.

  • When lacking safety: You might be very curious, get all the insurances available, get regular checkups and constantly think and talk about bad things. You might also not be very trusting or open and do everything to be safe.
  • When out of control: Being out of control is the most powerful feeling of the three and if pushed enough and you loose control you might take drastic action to regain control. Being a control freak, micromanage other people, resist change, getting angry and upset are signs of feeling out of control.
  • When experiencing a lack of being accepted: You might act extremely friendly and helpful going out of my way to accomodate everybody. You might be very generous towards others, be helpful hoping that they accept you.

Trying to control

Have you ever tried to sell something to a person who feels complete and is not interested, it can be very frustrating and its most likely going to fail because the is no need, no lack, no benefit.


The logic behind control

When you experience stress, pressure, uncomfortable situations you feel the need to control the people around you so you feel safe and in control yourself. If you are in pride you will want to move the other people into a lower energy by making them angry. If you feel insecure, positive people in courageousness or acceptance will make you feel uncomfortable because there is nothing you can do to control them, they are in a higher energy.

When you are angry or frustrated, you will feel safe if you can push the person into fear and so on.


The higher energy wins

Unless you are in the state of acceptance or courageousness you are insecure and wanting something. Whoever is in a higher energy will win. For that reason it is a good idea to always stay positiv.


Resentments are a place of stuckness besides being the source physical pain. Resentments are anger or frustration directed at another person. Most people they don’t realize what they are doing. The resentment gives them a feeling of power, of being in control. It almost feels like I am punishing somebody if I resent them strongly. The question is who will suffer from the resentments? In whose mind and body does the resentment reside? It is like taking a poison pill and expecting the other person to be harmed by it.